It snowed yesterday. Mmm hmm. Monday, May 8th--I'm marking the date. I refuse to believe it will snow anymore until the fall. Very eerie to have white in May. :)

I went to this really "interesting" conference/training yesterday. It was sort of unclear what it was. I thought it was supposed to be a community forum meeting of people of color to discuss HIV Prevention. It turns out they were sort of recruiting for the Alaska CPG, which is a community planning group. Well, as unstructured and disorganized as it was, it was really quite eye-opening. Here's why:

They made a pretty big deal of examining different ethnic minority groups, and it was the first time I have been a "voice" for the Asian/Pacific Islander group, and connected to the APIs. I have learned a lot this year about being "proud" and connected to my culture. The problem is that I feel sort of torn as to where that is. OK. So, I'm Korean. Great. I was raised by whities. Great squared. Um. So, what defines my culture? I look pretty Asian. Don't speak Korean. For all intents and purposes, I am an Amerasian, but to be categorized by your race/ethnicity based off of skin color or hair color or eye shape...I don't know how I feel about that, honestly. And how because I'm Korean that automatically pre-determines any choice as to where I fit, because I get shoved into the Asian/Pacific Islander group. Period. End of story. Not that I'm battling it, but I sort of going through an anti-government, anti-establistment, anti-structure phase.

When talking about HIV Prevention among the API population, it has become clear that, at least in Alaska (but realistically, on the national level), the API population is duped. For example, there is hardly any represention and emphasis on studies and funding towards this group, because we have low "numbers." We don't overrepresent the HIV population as a minority; Blacks, Hispanics, and AK Natives do, so naturally, the funds go to them. When we look at HIV Prevention, it's about examining the issue BEFORE it's a crisis. So, essentially, just like everything else, because the API population is not in crisis, we are overlooked.

The problem is this: There are huge stigmas and barriers within the API pop., more so than other ethnic minority groups, because they have been educated and approached as to some HIV awareness. "We" have not been, even though we make up a huge portion of the population. When you consider the numbers of Indians, Asians, and PIs, that's a HUGE chunk of the world's population, yet we are overlooked. The fact that we have low numbers might be because we're not getting tested, we're not informed as to what HIV/AIDS is, and/or we are not included in HIV prevention. And that's sad. I heard all about how there's new translators for the Spanish-speaking population, and there's even a new Mung translator in town, but what about the Chinese interpreter, or the Korean interpreter, or the Indian interpreter.

The fact is this: This CPG group wants a representative. They want me to represent them. They want to have a face for the API population. But, I think it's bullshit. Aside from the fact that this group is so damn bureaucratic and so focused on task forces and focus groups it makes me want to fucking vomit. I get pretty disheartened that it's all about talk talk talk. The other community members wanted action, to be involved, but not with the politics of the actual planning committee, which is really understandable.

Where I stand: Part of me feels that I am empassioned enough about the subject to help, but unfortunately, the CPG is just too far out there for me to become part of, which makes me sad, because it's that defeatist attitude that's unacceptable, and yet I'm doing it (hypocrite). They do want a three-year commitment, though, which I am unable/unwilling to do. I asked though what I can do, and it was like, "Volunteer with Four A's or the Red Cross." Cough cough. Yeah. Doing that. In searching for ways to help with systemic changes, the answer isn't easy. In fact, it's hard. Especially when you feel very one-voiced. I don't know any APIs up here--pretty hard to voice concerns for "my" community when I have no idea how they feel, and the idea of voicing, in general, to the CDC, while pretty cool, is a little intimidating considering I have a B.S. and less than one year in the social service field.

So, I'm honing my efforts of what I can do as an API, because I felt great advocating and representing, it's just finding the next step.