JV Pyramid from our first retreat in Birchwood!

So, Andy Ward may have not picked the best time to visit. She's coming Thursday afternoon; there is currently a high of one degree...and it will be -7 tonight (MINUS the wind chill). Tomorrow it will be NEGATIVE ONE degree for the high. Now, I did know Alaska was going to be cold, mind you...I really did...but it's crazy to imagine that that's the bloody high. And Andy is going to freeze from what is the upper 60s, low 70s Mobile weather as of now.

But onto other news, I've realized that my brain overwhelms me sometimes. I think this whole simple life thing is harder than I thought it was going to be...especially when you're faced with opportunities and experiences that aren't really simple. But what's new--this overanalytical Dan was bound to make a re-appearance, only now I'm in AK and don't have my best friends that I can purge everything to. HAHA. And it's killing me!

I've sort of gotten into that whole "what am I doing with my life" stage. Not in the same way that I used to (like wanting to drop out of college, eh, Caitlin?), but just thinking about how I'm spending my time and what I'm doing with my life. It's a daily question that I ask myself, which makes me very aware of what I'm doing.

Recently, I've had some challenges defining what community time is and how that relates to others in the household. I spend time outside of the community with other friends, which has caused some resentment, I feel. However, after talking to some of the housemates, I'm trying to find a balance of self vs. others. It's a hard task. The whole concept of community is rather cultish sometimes to me, but it's a facet of the program that I really enjoy on the whole. Doing this whole volunteer thing solo would be ridick. Never ever ever. But I find there's a certain obligation beyond the requirements to keep things harmonious, which is never a task, just hard to balance all that I want out of this year.

I guess one of the hardest things I'm learning that Mary made me really see (while waiting for City Lights (the Chaplin film, which was amazing) at Kaladi Brothers drinking yummy Alaskan Chai where we talked for over two hours because we didn't want to catch the bus twice...) is when you belong to a "sub-culture" as she puts it AKA a minority, whether it's race, gender, sexual orientation etc., it creates a divisive force, but really can't be helped. For me, finding my identity and searching for what I want out of life means diversifying my environment. I have differences from my housemates that can't be helped and for them as well, so it's my urge to find those that I can share things with and who can relate to me. I can't be happy solely within the confines of my JVC community. I would go ballistic. I know this. It's not just them...it's the way I always am. I have to explore new things with new people. And it's dealing with that "following your bliss" that can create a schism, or at least can for me.

I have found many great people up here that I enjoy spending time with. That's a blessing. And it's still a blessing that I love my community mates as much as I do. I think it's natural that we are drawn to things that bring joy and happiness to our lives, though. To be able to search the minds and souls of others so that it enhances your own is an amazing gift. Unlike my housemates that I love love love, the other people up here that you find and spend time with are people that you choose to hang out with because they bring additional things to your life. If you're lucky enough to find relationships that draw you closer to knowing yourself, then it's important to explore those relationships. I feel like it's really intense as a JV, the idea of relationships and intentionality, but isn't that really what relationships are? You may have tons of friends, acquaintances, co-workers etc. that you know, but the people that make you happiest and where you want to spend you time is when you can share something...share ideas...share identities...share laughs...so when you find someone that does that...like a significant other...it's hard not to want to spend time with that person.

I guess I've just gotten really introspective since the New Year. I've been trying to find new ways to purge some of the thousands thoughts in my head...and me talking to people doesn't seem to be helping, but merely creating more questions. I'm finding some resolve and some clarity, but not as much as I'd like. I've been journaling, but sometimes it seems there's some roads you must travel alone to truly establish independence. So as much as I'm surrounded by glorious people, I'm realizing that it's within myself to really gain the knowledge and the peace that I want this year and to be able to take with me for the rest of my life.